Tagged 5 Benda: Skim versi 'pakmantelo' di era siber

Okay, I admit. I view TAG with the same derision as pakmantelo MLM schemes and ladies 'main kutu'. Okay, not with the same derision as old ladies 'main kutu'. My wife, mother, and mother-in-law would not take kindly to that statement as they are lovers and players of 'kutu'.

Tokasid, the person who tagged me, a fellow Taiping-ite like pakmantelo should've have known better about the dangers of MLM and its various ponzi pyramid schemes (who hasn't at least once in his life become a member of an MLM scheme? Come on --own up! I know I joined Amway just to buy stuff like car wash detergents and lens tissue for my 'specs). And as medical doctor tokasid should also know that this tagging business brings about undue stress to the participants. It might also unwittingly elevate blood pressure like mine did. But okay-lah, like they say, I should be a good sport.

Here goes junk and more junk that you don't need to know about Mat Salo.


5 THINGS IN MY HANDBAG.

Huh? I'd figured this tagging game was for the ladies. But wattahack, in case I turn into one, a bencong, I'm sure I'll be totting a Giamax or Bonia --the Italian inspiration, but made in Puchong. So what's wrong with that?

1. Condom for my customers. Not expensive ones, not du-lek like da apek pimp in Belakang Mati like to say. Just enough to get the job done.
2. K-J Jelly. Why? To "lubricate" matters --better than K-Y any day.
3. Some lozenges (Fisherman's Friend) and some sweets like Hacks. Some customers prefer 'air-con' you see.
4. Cigarrettes --not mine. I usually get my customers to buy them.
5. In The Arms of Melancholic Prostitutes, a Novel. Not by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, but the one by Mat Salo.


5 THINGS IN MY PURSE.

Again, I don't have a purse or a bum-bag like pasar malam traders like to wear. But just in case I had one:-

1. Name cards of Namewee. I mean, no offence but how do you pronounce it really?
2. Name cards of all MINDEF Agents and CONtractors in Mayshia. This is one hot meal ticket, folks. Too hot that it can actually get you blown to pieces.
3. Customers name cards who like to impress prostitutes like me. Ho-hum. Funny thing is, they never let you call them lest their wives know.
4. Visa and MC cards. Whom I wish to thank since their constant calls and repetitive reminders is what prompted to me to sell my ass in the first place.
5. Lipstick. Invented by ancient Mesopotamians 5000 years ago to make prostitutes' lips appear fuller and more enticing. Betcha didn't know that, didcha?


5 FAVORITE THINGS IN MY FAVORITE ROOM (My Bedroom at Home)

1. My King-Sized mattress. Expensive, but not as expensive as a Sealy. Can you imagine spending RM30K on a mattress? Outrageous. But the salesgirl whom we bought if from the shop in SS2 claimed it's comparable to a Sealy. Yeah, right. So we bought the Sealy lookalike and have loved it ever since. It's what we could afford anyway.
2. My 36" CRT Philips Widescreen TV. These were the days before plasma and LCD's. Being an humonguos old-fashioned CRT TV, you know how much the damn thing weigh my friend? 91 kilos. That's heavier than some of you (except for some chegu in Penang that I know). The wooden cabinet on which it stands is sagging. Why, oh why did I buy it? The excellent picture, of course.
3. My daughter's crib. It's a hand me down from her Form 2 brother which was further handed down to her 6-year-old brother. So you can imagine the state it was in. In anticipation of our long awaited Alesha Michelle, I spent two whole days in the sun painting the crib from blue to a girlish pink, risking heartburn and skin cancer (and suffering serious sunburn in the process) restoring it to its former glory.
4. My daughter, who is often in the crib. No explanations necessary. Aha, but she's not a thing, is she?
5. My bedside table. Where my I keep my favorite books, magazines and Nokia charger.


5 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO. (If more, jangan la mare ye)

1. Spend more time with my kids. I don't care about quality, I just want more time!
2. Earn the respect of my father, who wished I was born a doctor. It's ok now, I gotta sis who is.
3. Learn ballroom dancing or perform the salsa with a partner, my wife preferably. Being a klutz, I'm just sooooo envious of people who can dance.
4. See more of this world (as if I haven't seen enough).
5. Learned to play music properly and learned to read notes.
6. Should've gone to either USC or UCLA film school. I fancy myself that I have what it takes to be a world-famous film director.
7. Be able to grow old long enough to give my daughter away...

5 THINGS I'M CURRENTLY DOING

1. Commiting khalwat with a 23-year-old lithsome, wholesome Engineer from Padang, West Sumatera who shares the work cabin with me. This is not a joke. BTW, for those in know, posa batal tak?
2. Wondering on how to pay back an extensive mortgage that I had just taken up in back home. This was from reading too many Azizi Ali books!
3. Kicking myself for missing Zohor prayers. I was 'too busy' doing this blog post. Err, also for those in the know, posa batal tak? (I suspect in conjunction with khalwat, sure batal one)
4. Drilling a well. Between items 3 and 4, was just summoned to the drill floor to intervene in a potential "hole" problems. Boy, don't we all have hole problems.
5. Pray that my skills as writer will improve, and be as witty and as funny as my blogger friends whom I envy oh so much.

Now that wasn't so bad was it?

Now the caveat is this: tagging ends here as a mark of respect to our daughter (she's our daughter --yours and mine - the Nation's ) Nurin and other victims of misfortune around the world in this holy month of Ramadhan Al-Mubarrak.

By the Tongue, By The Sword, By The Dick: A Bugis Philosophy

IT SOUNDS A BIT CRUDE, I know, but this was exactly the theme of DPM Dato Sri Muhammad Najib Tun Razak’s acceptance speech when awarded the doctorate honoris causa (honorary degree) from Indonesia’s Hasanuddin University in Makassar, South Sulawesi Monday.

Najib, awarded the doctorate in Political Economy, was the 6th recipient in a convocation attended by Indonesia’s Vice-President and fellow Bugis Jusuf Kalla. Najib admitted that in preparing for the speech he was “coached” by Indonesian VP Jusuf Kalla on this seminal Bugis philosophy.

To the uninitiated, the Three Tips philosophy - tellu cappa in Bugis-speak (literally tiga ujung) - hence, three tips - is often quoted as a useful philosophy for solving disputes.

George Acciacoli, a noted Bugis scholar, writes that:

The three tips [tellu cappa'] encompass the tongue, the knife blade, and the penis. If a Bugis cannot integrate himself with the local leaders by diplomatic consultation (by the tip of his tongue), he may have to resort to armed battle (by the tip of his knife blade). But, best of all, he will be able truly to integrate himself in the new community by marrying one (or more) of the local women (by the tip of his penis).[1]

Interestingly the Sulawesi press made much of Najib’s genealogy as a descendant of Raja Gowa.

Najib – if the claim holds true - is therefore an Anak Raja Bugis.

The other famous Anak Raja Bugis is of course, Raja Petra Kamaruddin, owner of popular Malaysia’s website Malaysia-Today. Editorials and articles in Malaysia-Today are often critical of Najib.

The embattled Deputy Prime Minister is also implicated in the Altantunya murder by virtue of his association with close political adviser Abdul Razak Baginda. Abdul Razak is jointly charged with murder along with two bodyguards from Najib’s own personal security detail. Critics have questioned how an ordinary civilian like Abdul Razak was able to order “the hit”, thus giving rise to speculation and lending credence to conspiracy theorists.

Najib was also once scandalized by rumors of a romantic link with a popular local songstress. For the record, Datin Sri Rosmah is Najib’s second wife. Najib’s first marriage to Tengku Puteri Zainah Tengku Eskandar ended in divorce but the earlier union produced three children.

In light of Najib’s “Ladies Man” reputation, I wonder if it was appropriate for him to quote the Bugis Three Tips philosophy in his acceptance speech; particularly with regards to the tip-of-the penis, which I’m sure, many will find to be in very poor taste. Hopefully Najib had attended the event in a private capacity, and had not hurt the Malaysian taxpayers one bit by paying his own way to Makassar. If he flew by government private jet (read: rakyat's money), only to deliver a speech paying homage to the tip of the penis . . . well then, the rakyat has every right to be upset.


Fajar Online also reported that during his short stay in Makassar, Najib officially inaugurated Malaysia’s Honorary Consulate and installed Hashim Kalla, Vice President’s Jusuf Kalla’s younger brother as the Honorary Consul. Makassar has a sizeable Malaysian population comprising mainly medical students from Hasanuddin University.

©Mat Salo 2007.

=============================================================================

Source (1) http://wwwsshe.murdoch.edu.au/intersections/issue10/idrus.html#n49#n49 (Original Source: Fajar Online, South Sulawesi)

Malaysia The Arrogant

© Gatra

On the cusp of turning 50, Malaysia rears its ugly, arrogant head

Sorry for being tardy in updating my blog. Have been a bit busy lately, and I'm sure, so have you. What with celebrating Merdeka and busy pondering over the bujet.

Working in Indonesia I had the unenviable task of fending off criticisms (and still coming in, I assure you) over the "Wasit Donald" incident. Just to refresh you a bit, Wasit (referee) Donald, the Indonesian karate referee who was ignominiously waylaid and beaten up by four plainclothes policemen outside the Allson Klana Resort in Nilai, Negri Sembilan a week before our so-called "50 th" Merdeka celebrations.

This had created a furore of sorts in Indonesia.

And the cries of Ganyang Malaysia are still heard in some venerable hot spots across this vast archipelago of close to a quarter billion people.

Gatra, the influential weekly newsmagazine, chose to do a front cover piece on the relations between Indonesia and Malaysia in its latest September 6th edition.

Malaysians need to be reminded that Indonesia’s press is truly free, and they can choose to highlight whatever they like – no “4th Floor” pseudo-editors to whip the Malaysian press and shape the Nation’s news. Therefore it is prudent for Malaysia to mind their bigger tetangga.

Although the press in Malaysia chose not to carry news of Pak Lah’s personal telephone call to President SBY apologizing over the incident, that event was fortunately given a lot of prominence here. So was IGP Tan Sri Musa Hassan’s personal letter of apology (in English) read by Malaysia’s Ambassador to Indonesia Dato’ Zainal Abidin to Donald Kolopita at his bedside at Jakarta’s Pertamina hospital.

I say “fortunate” because perhaps the apology helped douse some of the raging fire of discontent of its citizens. However, some quarters here simply think that ‘Sorry, for the incident – we promise to investigate and deal with the culprits in accordance with Malaysian laws’ – simply isn’t enough. They want justice to be seen and done swiftly.

Even seating Indonesia's VP Yusuf Kalla (a Bugisman too, I might add) in the guest of honor position flanking PM Pak Lah and fellow DPM-cum-Bugisman at the recent Merdeka morning parade didn't help to cool things down. In fact, speculation abounds as to why SBY spurned the invitation to attend and sent his deputy instead was to placate his critics. But this could all be "spin", eh?

There were reports of Petronas petrol stations in Jakarta being blockaded although I can’t confirm this.

There were reports of marauding youths attempting to harass visiting Malaysian badminton players at a hotel in Surabaya.

In Bogor last week, three Malaysian Chinese were expelled for allegedly "working" in Indonesia, thus violating express conditions stipulated on their tourist visas. The knee jerk tit-for-tat response, I suppose.

I now carry my Indonesian Residency Permit (KITAS) on my person at all times if I happen to be in town. Even the once free-wheeling Mat Salo is getting paranoid.

(Like the rules arbritarily enforced on Indonesian guest workers at the whims and fancies of RELA personnel, pehaps carrying just the KITAS alone isn't enough. One can get detained for not carrying the passport AND the work permit too, for example.)

I was also alerted by my Indonesian friends and colleagues here on the sudden proliferation of emails telling other instances of abuses by Malaysian authorities (read: PDRM / RELA) meted on their citizens (especially bona fide Indonesian tourist's tales-of-woe) while visiting Malaysia.

In Tempo’s editorial - another popular and influential weekly newsmagazine -it even highlighted our penchant for calling them by the derogatory term Indon.

Just last week, about 50-stong GOLKAR’s Pemuda Pancasila (PP) - Komite Nasional Pemuda Indonesia (KNPI) - sort of their version of Malaysia’s infamous Pemuda UMNO's Gerak Gempur battalion (who, for some, have likened the group to thugs) descended upon Balikpapan’s Malaysia military attaché office to “demo” and hand over a memorandum. Fortunately, our liason officer here, a Mejar, and a close friend of mine, managed to persuade the protesters to calm down and accepted their memorandum with promises to hand the memo over to our embassy in Jakarta.

The Mejar lamented that I wasn't around to lend him moral support when his compound was besieged. On the drilling barge I was already held in a state of siege myself.

The next day, Balikpapan Post reported on the incident with the headline Arogansi Bukan Budan Melayu (Arrogance is not part of the Malay psyche).

Frankly, being the sole Malaysian in a floating barge surrounded by over 100 seething Indonesians makes me a wee bit jittery.

But really, I have no fear of what can personally befall me. I can deal with that. After all I have dealt with rebel leaders in war-torn Southern Sudan before. Back in ’98 I was chased by Burmese military policemen as I tried to enter the street where Nobel Laureate Daw Aung Sang Syu Kii lives (she was – and still is - under house arrest). I wanted to see what her house looked like. And did I tell you I once had the unfortunate experience of being an overnight guest in a US prison? But all that pales in comparison to the shame I’m feeling now. Shame is something hard for me to take. I’ll take fear over shame any day.

Oh, how can we, as Malaysians, have become so arrogant?

© Antara News Agency

© Antara News Agency

My heartfelt appreciation to fellow Malaysian bloggers Rocky Brew, Elizabeth Wong, Mob 1900, Tokasid and Nathaniel Tan for bringing the issue into the Malaysian conciousness. Please click on the respective links to their blogs for a more comprehensve view.

Finally I will leave you to ponder this Indonesian (written in English) blog that I happened to have chanced upon recently.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Hard to say I am sorry

You know, people say in politics you can spin anything. Not this time, eh Malaysia. It looks bad whichever angle you look at it. Come on.

Background story, read here.

How do you spin a news about policemen beating up a civilian (who is a foreigner) for no obvious reason?

This, of course does not mean we are saying that Indonesian police is better. But you know, with all the news we read about Malaysia, the economic successes (in relative comparison to Indonesia), we thought things would be better there than here. And many things are: Indonesian GNI per capita for example, is USD 1,280, while Malaysia is USD 4,970. Life expectancy at birth, Indonesia 68 years, Malaysia 74 years [1].

But apparently some things remain the same: Read the comments on Malaysia Today [2] regarding the news. We assume it is written mostly by Malaysians, and you'll see that despite the economy, some things just won't change. Like corrupt public officials. Or abusive policemen.

Some of the comments that attracted our attention (just in case it is censored later on by the Malaysian government):

"Bpk harus beri duit kopi dan polisi akan memberi persembahan lagu dan tarian "namawee".Semuanya salah bpk kerane tidak tahu budaya polisi Malaysia"

"The only difference between thugs/muggers and the PDRM is that the former is unlicensed, while the latter is free to hassle the general public. Infact, I truly believe in Malaysia, the PDRM is guilty of more crimes that the criminals. We were taught in school that actually a policeman's role is suppose to be preventive, but somehow that is not the case in Bolehland."

"Don't tell me these policemen thinking that this guy is a foreigner is a good game for robbing (policemen have been known to rob the illegals)"
"In Malaysia we are in constant fear of two groups of people, The Criminals and The Police."

"Years back, the Thomas Cup finals in Jakarta was marred by the unruly crowd. But today, Malaysia has sunk below Indonesia in fairplay & gamesmanship...and the Polis is implicated. IF the Govt. does not stop the rot (at 'the guardians of the law'), the country will be avoided by investors & tourists."

"If Anwar Ibrahim who was then the DPM can be beaten up by the police, who else cannot be beaten?"

We say no more.

Source:[1] World Bank Key Development & Statistics [2] Malaysia-today.net

==========

Tagged for Malaysia's 50th Independence

Last night, while I laid my tired and battered body down in my bunk I heard the familiar beep from my Nokia. It was an SMS from Kak Ena (of 1450 Sudin Avenue) . What a nice surprise . . . I'm on a swamp barge you see, but never too far away from a Telkomsel base station so I'm able to send and receive SMS's. I had not cleaned my teeth yet, so it was a good excuse to indulge the remaining few sticks of my Made-In-Malaysia Dunhill gaspers (Duty Free, of course). Whether in the hot and arid bushes of Sudan, or the freezing winters of Niigata on the north coast of Honshu - I will ONLY smoke Made-In-Malaysia Dunhills. That goes to show what a patriotic Malaysian I am. I quickly headed out to the bow of the ship.

Her message simply said, 'Brother, I hv tagged u. Cheers'

'Hmmm,' I thought at the time, 'We'll I'll just have to wait and see what this all about tomorrow...'

My work PC with the satellite link sits in my work container outside of the accomodation area. Since it was also raining I'm not about to put on my workclothes, boots and hard-hat just to get to my "office". Besides, the cloud cover usually severs my satellite link anyway ... so I went inside to lay my body down again. . .

Ohmigosh, so now I discovered that she saw fit to nominate me as post #4. Thank you, Kak Ena, although I had sms'd back to say that I don't think I'm deserving of such accolades. But whom am I to argue, eh? Especially with Kak Ena?

So that's how my most recent post , becomes part of a "Dedication" to our nation’s 50th Merdeka.

Yo Galadriel , so I'm tagging you, Sis. So, you're #3. Now go and choose your victim carefully, 'o Merdeka girl!

Happy Brithday, Merdeka Girl Galadriel . . . Happy 50th Birthday, Malaysia!

50 Posts to Independence # 4

The Dumbing Down of the Malaysian Electorate

Undi lah untuk aku, bangang

THE ELECTION IS LOOMING close - that much is certain. What is worrying is that the "dumbing down" has begun.

So how do you dumb down the electorate? Why, by controlling what they see, read and hear. The less the voters know, the more "ill-informed" they will be, and this is what some quarters would like to see happen. The media that is already "under-control" will thus be free to put a spin on everything.

Why fear the bogeyman?

So this is where the bogeyman comes in. And the bogeyman is RPK.

Speaking of the bogeyman, if I may digress, I googled the word and what I read tickled me, no thanks to part ancestry on my paternal side. I quote Micha F. Lindemans from the online Encyclopedia Mythica :

Bogeymen possibly come from the "bugis," who were pirates from Indonesia and Malaysia. English and French sailors brought the tales home and anglicized it, telling their children "If you're bad, the bugisman will come and get you!" Eventually, bugis got changed to bogey. (Ryan Tuccinardi)

RPK, as a couple of million of us Malaysians know, is an Anak Raja Bugis (hmmm, the acronym ARB would clash would somebody else's who's in the spotlight too, albeit for very different "crimes"). So, some generations back harried mothers in Scotland and England were using the spectre of this mythical malevolent creature to "scare" their children. In Malay / Indonesian mythology the equivalent would be momok. For the sake of lingual uniformity lets just call our bogeyman, momok.

In the eyes of the ruling party, RPK is indeed the momok. But this particular momok was roaming free all along until someone decided that the general election was near and that the ghosts need to be sequestered. Hey, put that Gin back in the Bottle. Maybe the Scottish mums generations ago and our own beloved mothers were right: If you are bad, the bogeyman will get you. But the warnings of yore was, understandably, meant for children only. Now, by the same logic, you mean to tell me that the ruling politicians in UMNO should fear this momok too? Why? Is it because they are "bad"?

So let us go back to the "dumbing down" premise. Control the flow the information (read: thrash the "negative" articles or websites) and you control the voters. Theres no need for those walking the Corridors of Power to over-react. No worries, man. The voters are inherently dumb, and the politicians, in their hearts of hearts, thinks this is true. Likewise, the feeling is probably mutual: the voters think their politicians are dumb too.

How so?

The Irrational Voter

Bryan Caplan, a professor of economics at George Mason University, in his book "The Myth of the Rational Voter", claims, 'In a democracy voters systematically favor irrational policies', adding, 'rational politicians give them what they (irrationally) want.'

Caplan is of course talking about the American electorate. But the voters in the Third World and developing countries are no less dumber too. So we can assume that his theories apply in equal measure here, since we also purport to be a democracy.

Caplan says that 'ignorant voters do not vote randomly'. He went on to theorize the "Four Biases" that makes voters 'demand policies that actually makes themselves worse off'. I like this one: Looks like voters love shooting themselves in the foot.

Caplan's four biases being:

1. In a complex world voters are naturally ignorant about most things. The first is voters don't undertand how the pursuit of profits can lead to public benefits: therefore voters have an "anti-market bias".



2. Foreigners (kaum pendatangs) are often being made scapegoats to all social ills: hence the "anti-foreign bias". Sounds familiar? Migrants bring benefits to a country you will agree, yes? Please remember your ancestors were once in this category too.



3. Voters think that prosperity equates with employment when in reality a nation's "output" or production is what really counts. Caplan calls this "make-work bias". To illustrate, I quite a joke that is popular among economists: A western economist visits China during the time of Chairman Mao. He sees thousands of workers building a huge dam with shovels. He asks the mandor: "Why don't they use a mechanical digger?" "That would put people out of work," replies the mandor. "Oh," says the economist, "if it's jobs you want, then take away their shovels and give them spoons". Of course, for the individual worker it makes good sense to be employed in such a fashion. But the nation, in general, "loses". So it's how a nations' resources are best utilized (production) rather than (pardon the pun) spoonfeeding the masses that will contribute to their economic well being.



4. Caplan calls the final one "pessimism bias". Meaning, voters will always think that they're worse-off than they really are. They fallaciously think that economic conditions are bad by merely looking at prices of petrol, cigarrettes or the Mamak's roti canai. Naturally, this "pessimism bias" is likely to be exploited by the opposition: Vote for me, and things will get better. But will they?

Anyway, I'm neither an economist nor a journalist. I was just quoting excerpts from Caplan's book which is currently a hit among economists.

I'm almost inclined to think that if Caplan's premises are indeed true, democracy as practiced here, there and everywhere is indeed flawed. Simply because we cannot expect every voter to fully grasp the intricacies of economics and politics. Same goes to the politicians too: they can't be expected to be well-informed. So we're all Dumb and getting Dumber.

So I say to the powers that be, no worries. Just feed the electorate what they want to hear and you have won already. No need to unnecessarily spend the people's money creating anti-blogging comittees and such, just for this one lone Momok.

Unless...unless, of course that the politicians fear that the electorate is smart and getting smarter? (God forbid!)

So it's not the momok they're afraid of after all. One momok alone cannot make anyone fall from the Corridors of Power. One momok alone cannot make a difference; after all, the momok controls just one vote - his own.

So now we have it: What the politicians really fear is the voters themselves. Like Caplan's book describes, just tell the voters what they want to hear. Easy peasy. Are voters "feared" because they do not trust their politicians anymore? Is this the reason to clamp down on bloggers - which, by the way, the DPM has subsequently denied?

The element of trust between voters and their politicians is fast receding, and bloggers like RPK, Jeff Ooi, Rocky and the like are to be blamed for helping breach this tenuous link? How so? These uber-bloggers are simply doing their duty exposing the misdeeds of those walking the Corridors of Power.

Is this the reason for the government's unhealthy preoccupation to reign in the momok, or momoks?

The Scottish mums of bygone days were probably right: The bogeyman might get you after all, but only if you happen to be bad.

If you're good, why worry?

[See also The Star Report, "No Crackdown On Bloggers" - http://star-techcentral.com/tech/story.asp?file=/2007/7/24/technology/20070724113208&sec=technology]

NB

I dedicate the post above as my small contribution to Poetic Justice -- 50 Posts to Independence , a project that Nizam Bashir had initiated.

My headache now is who to choose as my "victim". So many deserving Malaysians out there who blog . . . but one of my closest (girl) friends immediately comes to mind. She is, without a doubt, a true Malaysian. I've never met anyone so as "socially conscious" as her. Listen to me. Just get on to her site and you know what I'm talking about. What's more - her birthday conveniently falls on August the 31st!

So I bring you #3 ... Galadriel!

Here are the rest of the "more deserving" entries:

50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42, 41, 40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32,31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7 , 6, 5, and me at # 4.

Happy 50th Birthday, Malaysia!