Atchafalaya Swamp

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tagged 5 Benda: Skim versi 'pakmantelo' di era siber

Okay, I admit. I view TAG with the same derision as pakmantelo MLM schemes and ladies 'main kutu'. Okay, not with the same derision as old ladies 'main kutu'. My wife, mother, and mother-in-law would not take kindly to that statement as they are lovers and players of 'kutu'.

Tokasid, the person who tagged me, a fellow Taiping-ite like pakmantelo should've have known better about the dangers of MLM and its various ponzi pyramid schemes (who hasn't at least once in his life become a member of an MLM scheme? Come on --own up! I know I joined Amway just to buy stuff like car wash detergents and lens tissue for my 'specs). And as medical doctor tokasid should also know that this tagging business brings about undue stress to the participants. It might also unwittingly elevate blood pressure like mine did. But okay-lah, like they say, I should be a good sport.

Here goes junk and more junk that you don't need to know about Mat Salo.


Huh? I'd figured this tagging game was for the ladies. But wattahack, in case I turn into one, a bencong, I'm sure I'll be totting a Giamax or Bonia --the Italian inspiration, but made in Puchong. So what's wrong with that?

1. Condom for my customers. Not expensive ones, not du-lek like da apek pimp in Belakang Mati like to say. Just enough to get the job done.
2. K-J Jelly. Why? To "lubricate" matters --better than K-Y any day.
3. Some lozenges (Fisherman's Friend) and some sweets like Hacks. Some customers prefer 'air-con' you see.
4. Cigarrettes --not mine. I usually get my customers to buy them.
5. In The Arms of Melancholic Prostitutes, a Novel. Not by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, but the one by Mat Salo.


Again, I don't have a purse or a bum-bag like pasar malam traders like to wear. But just in case I had one:-

1. Name cards of Namewee. I mean, no offence but how do you pronounce it really?
2. Name cards of all MINDEF Agents and CONtractors in Mayshia. This is one hot meal ticket, folks. Too hot that it can actually get you blown to pieces.
3. Customers name cards who like to impress prostitutes like me. Ho-hum. Funny thing is, they never let you call them lest their wives know.
4. Visa and MC cards. Whom I wish to thank since their constant calls and repetitive reminders is what prompted to me to sell my ass in the first place.
5. Lipstick. Invented by ancient Mesopotamians 5000 years ago to make prostitutes' lips appear fuller and more enticing. Betcha didn't know that, didcha?


1. My King-Sized mattress. Expensive, but not as expensive as a Sealy. Can you imagine spending RM30K on a mattress? Outrageous. But the salesgirl whom we bought if from the shop in SS2 claimed it's comparable to a Sealy. Yeah, right. So we bought the Sealy lookalike and have loved it ever since. It's what we could afford anyway.
2. My 36" CRT Philips Widescreen TV. These were the days before plasma and LCD's. Being an humonguos old-fashioned CRT TV, you know how much the damn thing weigh my friend? 91 kilos. That's heavier than some of you (except for some chegu in Penang that I know). The wooden cabinet on which it stands is sagging. Why, oh why did I buy it? The excellent picture, of course.
3. My daughter's crib. It's a hand me down from her Form 2 brother which was further handed down to her 6-year-old brother. So you can imagine the state it was in. In anticipation of our long awaited Alesha Michelle, I spent two whole days in the sun painting the crib from blue to a girlish pink, risking heartburn and skin cancer (and suffering serious sunburn in the process) restoring it to its former glory.
4. My daughter, who is often in the crib. No explanations necessary. Aha, but she's not a thing, is she?
5. My bedside table. Where my I keep my favorite books, magazines and Nokia charger.

5 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO. (If more, jangan la mare ye)

1. Spend more time with my kids. I don't care about quality, I just want more time!
2. Earn the respect of my father, who wished I was born a doctor. It's ok now, I gotta sis who is.
3. Learn ballroom dancing or perform the salsa with a partner, my wife preferably. Being a klutz, I'm just sooooo envious of people who can dance.
4. See more of this world (as if I haven't seen enough).
5. Learned to play music properly and learned to read notes.
6. Should've gone to either USC or UCLA film school. I fancy myself that I have what it takes to be a world-famous film director.
7. Be able to grow old long enough to give my daughter away...


1. Commiting khalwat with a 23-year-old lithsome, wholesome Engineer from Padang, West Sumatera who shares the work cabin with me. This is not a joke. BTW, for those in know, posa batal tak?
2. Wondering on how to pay back an extensive mortgage that I had just taken up in back home. This was from reading too many Azizi Ali books!
3. Kicking myself for missing Zohor prayers. I was 'too busy' doing this blog post. Err, also for those in the know, posa batal tak? (I suspect in conjunction with khalwat, sure batal one)
4. Drilling a well. Between items 3 and 4, was just summoned to the drill floor to intervene in a potential "hole" problems. Boy, don't we all have hole problems.
5. Pray that my skills as writer will improve, and be as witty and as funny as my blogger friends whom I envy oh so much.

Now that wasn't so bad was it?

Now the caveat is this: tagging ends here as a mark of respect to our daughter (she's our daughter --yours and mine - the Nation's ) Nurin and other victims of misfortune around the world in this holy month of Ramadhan Al-Mubarrak.


Unknown said...

Ever thought of taking fiery hot Tom Yam before going down on a customer? You kept asking batal posa tak, or was it wishing? Just joking, just joking. The part of us having problems with holes is bulleyes man. Holes, glorious holes, what would become of us without them.

Anonymous said...

Okay I need to leave my footprint here and preferably a loooonnng one.

But tmr got hearing. Will come back here after the damn thing.

Take care. By the way, you have gone nuts. No kidding. Hahaha

Accia said...

oh, ni handbag 'mak' salo ke?

cakapaje said...

Salam bro,

The Sealy mattress, I once thought it was spelled s-i-l-l-y; guess I was wrong eh? :)

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

whoaa, r those real or what?

yes, we do seem to have problems with holes in some ways or another dont we? i have one too, with an asshole who keeps bugging on my girl.

J.T. said...

Hello Mat Salo

I see that you have actually been enjoying some good vibrations! :D

I could not help but notice that you are from my dad's hometown. It has been years since I stepped foot in that town. The last time was probably in 1989.

Member of MLM - yeah, me too. I joined just to get their stuff - Avon, for one. Speaking of which, thanks for the info on the origins of lipstick. I did not know that. I wonder how would the ancient Mesopotamians react if they were transported into our time and saw their invention being used by just about anyone - (perempuan, lelaki and more often than not lain-lain). :D

So, you want to learn to play music properly and learn to read notes. I can help you with the latter. Not sure how I can help you with the former. I think we prefer playing different instruments (trying hard not to let my mind go to the gutter here.. haha). Seriously, I may not possess the techniques required for your choice of instrument.
I would love to learn how to play the violin. It might sound like I am squeezing cats to death in the beginning but that will not stop me from improving on it (not squeezing cats. I mean playing the violin.) :D

I believe your writing skills is the envy of some already. ;)
Now... where's my cyber-ciggie after reading your post?

Mat Salo said...

I know I almost regretted it after I hit the 'publish' button. I say 'almost' but damn-the-torpedoes anyway. He-he. That's what happens when you put a man in mid-life with all the attendent mid-life crises in a medium (blogging) designed for teenagers..

And now for the replies proper:

Chegu N - If ever I was to stand trial for what I write then would plead insanity. Then I will say I was forced into it by my blogger friends. Sort of ol' time peer pressure. Or is it pleasure, Chegu? Chegu, you know what? (Ini off topic) Kids say the darnest things. My elder boy, when he was eleven (Djh 5) surprised me when he used that word: peer pressure. As a chegu, I'm sure kids these days are whole lotta different from our time. Imagine what they blog about 10-20 years from now?

Sis Elviza M - Nuts or not, Sis. I know now not to use that word 'chick' around you - except in reference to real hatchlings. Or chicken too. You what the means in Manglish. Lest I get the sharp end of the tongue like Eva Honeybunch's lover did.. Yes, please come back, Sis...

E - Wa'alaikum salaam. Hmmm, the handbag (if it exists at all) might possibly belong to 'Mak' Salo or Mek Salo, if he was from the East Coast, Kelantan specifically - K.Krai in particular. Eh, Elv marah laa E - I was just taking a sly dig at Sazmee loh!

Bro' 'say oni' - 1st time I looked at the price tag of a Sealy mattress in a shop in TTDI my eyes almost pooped. Err, popped. Poop berak, orang Indo kata 'semprot'. Never knew people who pay 30-40K JUST for a mattress. Now I know why arms dealers, MinDef contractors, AP Kings are put on the face of the earth . . .

Kerplunk with souped-up wheels - Fer real? Err, Maybe some I wish ed was. And maybe some I don't. Talking about A-holes. If it need be you can count on us to walk - err, wheel with you. Don't worry dude, plenty of bipeds are A-holes. If it gets outa hand, let's talk coz' I'm used to intervening holes with problems. Any kind of holes - especially class A A-hole types. That guys a loser, don't let it get you down. E-mail me in private, dude. I'll wheel witcha any day.

J.T. - Aah, JT. You must have played the piano, had lessons and all that. So what grade did you get to? Violins - that is right down E's (acciacca2ra) alley. I really am envious of people who can read and play music. That's why I'm supportive of my kids if they chose play a instrument. But my eldest boy (14) has just quit (he hates music lessons) but my 6 year old is progressing nicely. When I was a primary school kid in JB I dreamt of joining Yamaha Music to play classical guitar with my best friend Y, and his cousin cousin C. In sec. school C went on to win top prize and represented Yamaha Malaysia to Japan. My best friend Y? His father bought him a Fender Telecaster in Form 5 and we both went Stateside for college. He graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Engr and now is a Defense Contractor (own biz) with the DoD (which Cheney oversees). Obviously due to the sensitive nature of his business he was made a citizen with top security clearance two decades back. I chide him in his 'contributions' to Bush's war effort. So what has this gotta do with learning guitar at Yamaha Music when one was a kid? Maybe nothing, but then I also wonder...

Pi Bani said...

Ni bukan skim versi "pakmantelo" but versi "pakmatsalo" le pulak. Macam nak serupa je bunyi, ada sangkut-paut ke?

tokasid said...

Salam pak matsalo:

Permulaannya pak: ngak batal posa bapak berkhalwat sama insinur dari Padang di kantor pak. Kalau di kamar mandi ada bisa ke hala batal pak.
Ngak solat( terlupa atau sengaja terlupa atau terlupa terlupa) juga ngak batal posanya pak.Tapi ngak batal dosanya. Gue jugak sering gitu dong pak!

Waduh!Waduh! Biar bener dong pak? Ada mattress harganya gitu mahal iya pak? Kalau di tempat bapak kerja, sudah jadi juta-juta tuh pak! Bisa beli mobil Viva pak. Apa tilam Sealy itu ada roda dan bisa pandu sana-sini?Aku sering sakit spinal bila bangun tidur jadi bila tidor di tikar mengkuang sudah ngak sakit spinal ku. Dan tikar mengkuang baru 20-30 ringgit pak.
Tapi mungkin yang Sealy lebih enak bila tidur sama ibu agaknya...

Aku setuju dan sokong jika bapak menjadi CONtractor sama MOD/Mindef.Iya pak, mengikut lapuran pak AG baru2 ini MOD juga banyak irregularitiesnya pak berbillion uang mahsia pak(kalau di tkar ke rupiah...waduh lumayan pak).
Dengan kepakaran bapak menggerudi lobang-lobang serata dunia, aku yakin bapak bisa yakinkan MOD bahawa bapak bisa bikin CONtract menggerudi lobang supaya bisa di salurkan(bukan salo-kan), bom atau pesawat Sukhoi jika mahu menyerang atau di serang musuh dari selatan.
Aku bisa jadi mandur kamu pak. Che'gu bisa jadi timbalan CEO( kamukan bakal jadi CEO). On second thought..aku ngak mahu jadi mandur. Aku mahu jadi timbalan kepada timbalan CEO. Apa bisa gitu pak?

Kalau kamu mahu belajar baca nota musik, kamu harus mula-mula tanam taugeh dulu pak dan baca taugeh2 itu.Bila sudah mahir baru bisa belajar baca nota musik. Kalau ibu Accia dan JT bisa ngajar online, kami yang lain juga bisa belajar baca nota musik. Dan kita bisa ada murid terlebih umur dari Bukit Mertajam dong!(hah9..che'gu hang jangan marah noo...)

Sekian dulu pak. Aku rasa lapar nulis sama kamu ni. Selamat nyambung puasa pak.

Mat Salo said...

Pi! - I know how much you too detest this TAG business. But it can be fun also... well, it's MEANT to be... heh. Fun-lah.

Pakmantelo? Now that will be the super-duper MLM scheme that will turn ash into gold, black money into real - all without the aid of pendatang tanpa izin from Nigeria.

DokTA! - Hang ni balik dari solat Jumat teruih merapu noo? Mampuih hang buat aku ketawa. Ketawa gede2 pon bisa membuatkan batal puasa. Tapi sini orang tak sebut batal Doc, depa sebut 'pecah'. Hancuq bila dengaq pengguna'an bahasa sedara kita kat Indo. Laa lani baru sat anak buak aku (cowok) tadi naik tangga turun pi cek barang kat barge yang terapong di sebelah. Masa tu aku tengah nak pi Musholla nak solat Jumaa't (masuk waktu 12:01 WITA (same Meshia ler). Depa dah lambat tercungap-cungap dan keringat di dahi. Depa sound, "Ma-af Pak, saya pecah puasa". Not 'batal puasa'. Pecah. I mean it's really hot out there in the open seas especially if you're out on the deck. That's why I prefer staying in the cabin with my female Insiyur from Padang. But the consequences is khalwat, but what to do? But frankly, I really treat her like a smaller sister. I just usap-usap her rambut yesterday when she really had a particularly frustrating time when our mainframe computer crashed. And I quckly caught myself. My God, what am I doing? But strangely she let me touch her in that sisterly way. I can only say, "Alamaak M'bak, batal wuduk saya..." and smile sheepishly.

In Indo, semua dah terbalik kot. What more on the drill barge. Solat terawikh is done at the rec room. Padang Insiyur joins us as the sole female participant. Sometimes agak full (bilik kecik) max boleh isi boleh-boleh jor. So occasionally if she's by my side her telekong brushes against my bare arms. Especially masa ruku'. Mampuih. But we find it perfectly normal. Or she draws the curtain of my bunk bed to kejut me for sahur (Imsak 0430) at around 3:45. I suppose this can fall under category "darurat" ya, Pak Doc?

BTW, Doc TA, you and Chegu N can be CEO and Chairman any day hehee. I guess God must love us, gave us a trade we can be ok at. Tak yah laa kita songlap duit makcik and pakcik kat kampong...

Also, don't forget the "10 malam terakhir"... Tingkatkan lah takwa, ikhsan. Isya'Allah victory shall be yours. Salaam.

Unknown said...

Bro Mat...This is indeed a therapy for me...thank you..thank you and Doc TA your witty answers..OMG! So hilarious!!!!

Take care all.

Daphne Ling said...

Adoi Abang Mat,

Sakit hati gua gelak baca ni...

Your TV weighs 91 kg's?!?!? Wahlau, that's nearly double most people's weight wei...Patutlah your cabinet sag ;)

And you know what? Kerp and I were talking the other day, and we discovered that no one mentioned they carried a condom...And now, we have an imaginery 'person' saying so!

ZABS said...

Salam MS,
Ada masa untuk jawab tag juga di tengah laut. Dan anda jadikan ia menarik untuk dibaca. TV anda tu berat sikit je dari saya. Kena dua orang nak angkat tu.
Nasihat saya beware of the orang ketiga yang tak nampak, bila dah berdua-dua tu. Walaupun sekarang mereka2 dirantai dalam bulan posa ni, tapi semakin lama berada di lautan, "seperti kata kawan-kawan saya dulu-dulu, Mak Enon pun nampak menarik"... No offence meant.

Mior Azhar said...

god, damn hilarious. Can never ever come with this kind of masterpiece. BTW, ada ye TV 91 kilos, ker I was being had here?
Bro, lauk pauk buka puasa kat sana apa yekk? Just curious..

The Ancient Mariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Ancient Mariner said...

Hilarious. But I see you also keep wondering about 'batal posa' or not. Its the 'nawaitu' really, and 'usap mengusap rambut pompuan bukan muhrim' is definitely not in, so time to rein the 'nafs', old bean ... haha

Mat Salo said...

RG - that's the intended purpose. Theraphy for you, terbapi (terbakar api neraka) for me... Nau'zubillah min zalik... Take care and get plenty if rest, please ya D?

Daphne wrote, "sakit hati gua gelak baca ni" - Don't be sakit hati Sis. Gelak cukop le.. Just merapu...

Pak Zabs - akan saya pertimbangkan nasihat Bpk dengan sirius. Even though it's Ramadhan, and the 'orang ketiga' being in chains... but I think the chains must be very long. If not how else could those beasts have done those terrible things to our poor daughter Nurin?

Bro' Mior - Ah, I'm honored. No, you're not being had. I checked the manual. Yes, that TV is 91 kilos. Big problem if I ever have to move house bro'. But before plasma came around it was the best CRT RM can buy to me at least. Eh, you sama berat with Chegu Katana ke? Heh. So bulan posa berapa kilo dah turun bro..?

Lauk pauk di atas kapal ni agak sedih sikit. Buka with some very elcheapo dates and what the Indo's call 'kolak' --combination cincau, pengat, air sirap concoction. Then go to the rear deck pekena 2-3 batang Made in Mayshia Dunhills. Abih kepla 'weng' time to shower 'n sholat. Baru kusyu'. Then baru turun galley 2 levels down. Lauk2 level macam gerai back home not really that much difference but not quite to my taste. Tapi baguih juga. Help to loose those unwanted weight!

'Bang Cap - Agree 'bang. It's the nawaitu that counts. But living on a ship in confined places and in close quarters with women is what we have to come to grips with in an 'equal opportunity' world. I'm all for it but rigs are not designed with women and their privacy on board. Lucky this one has 2-man bunk with and attached bath that connects with another adjacent 2-man bunk. I have a crew of 4 sometimes 5. If 2 females then no problems they can share a room. But if three, then one has to share with me. I try to make it easy by getting her to work opposite shift (night's) so there's privacy. But there are situations where we're both have not slept for 48 hours for example (downhole hole tool problems) and plonk to bed at the same time which can't be helped. But I try to minimize such situations... The only thing to do is look at them as sexless creatures and think of them say, as a sister...

zorro said...

Hoi Swampman, do you take in visitors...I can bunk with Engineer from Padang. Suddenly I have this urge to do drilling!!!!!As host you can have your bunk....I can share with, what's HIS/HER name.

Holes? We come out of one, we fight over many, and we will end up in biggest, six by six by 3.

Unknown said...

Why is it you're the only one who get to be roomies with the girls and not anyone else, eh?

Mat Salo said...

Unker - Aiyo so terrible the way you say it. After my Padang Engineer refuse to come to the rig. Hehee.

Irlan - Because I'm da boss, dats why..:)

Pak Zawi said...

mat salo,
You brought tagging to a new plane. I never knew it can be so much fun when it is treated with a bit of skewed ideas. Congratulations!

Happy barging and selamat berpuasa.

ewoon said...

Wah, cannot write u say but this is almost a tome.

After leading us up the garden path, you dropped a bummer - we left hanging - then commercial break. i say u good writer, we kena conned.

Why learn music when u can be stand-up comic? i can almost see and hear u in my mind's stage.

Talking about hole, this is what people say about golfers: grown-up men chasing after ball and putting ball into hole. Why, lah, not put stick in hole?